Unwanted Opinions

There is a Special Circle of Hell for Whoever Invented Savory Cheesecake

A story of taking things to far.

Photo Credit: Hugs and Cookies XOXO

Look. We all know I’m A Cheesecake Ho. I’ve made two separate posts about it. It’s my favorite dessert and I will fight for it. But even a good thing can be taken too far.

The first time I became aware of savory cheesecakes was when I was scrolling through the myriad of food videos on Facebook one day and I came across this creation from Delish:

Life was so simple before I watched this video

I was immediately shocked and appalled at the notion of pickle cheesecake, but I watched the video anyway, because I hate myself. I was only slightly reassured when I learned that pickle cheesecake was a SaVoRy dish and wasn’t just a regular, sweet cheesecake with pickles in it. I passed it off as a one-time novelty and naively tried to move on with my life. But, because we live in algorithm-fueled hellworld, savory cheesecakes began popping up on my Pinterest feed, despite my total lack of desire to even be in the same room as one. I would have just let it die, but for SOME reason the subject of savory cheesecakes came up at the dinner table the other night, and I explained to my shocked and horrified family the twisted world of savory cheesecakes.

“So like it’s a regular cheesecake with savory ingredients in it, that’s disgusting!” My brother proclaimed, making the same mistaken assumption that I did.

“No,” I replied, “It’s like a cheesecake batter but instead of the sugar it’s got like….taco seasoning.”

I wish I were joking about the taco seasoning

Savory Cheesecakes, from what I can tell, are meant to be served as appetizers. They usually have some kind of cracker crust and, obviously, a savory filling.

“Isn’t that just a dip??” My mom asked.

The answer is YES. It IS just a dip. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a dip. But I don’t want to make a dip that takes an extra 3 and a half hours to make. Do you know how long dips take? 15 minutes, max. Maybe longer for like a hot crab dip, but for the most part dips are just throwing some shit into a bowl and stirring it together with sour cream. And like, how many fucking people are at your party? Is everyone going to eat an entire cheesecake-slice worth of dip? That’s a lot of fucking dip! It’s basically just a cheeseball if a cheeseball were way too big. I’m sorry I don’t want to awkwardly scoop a semi-hard baked hunk of your weird savory cheesecake to spread on a Ritz-cracker, Helen. These are same people who make dessert lasagnas. So in the time-old tradition of roasting people on the internet, here are some of the most abhorrent savory cheesecakes I found on Pinterest. Just to be clear I am not inherently opposed to any of the flavors presented, I only take issue with the form they are being presented in. Make them if you want, or just eat an entire tub of French-Onion dip in front of your fridge at 2am like a normal person.

First up we have this Savory Seafood Cheesecake from StyleBluePrint

I always want my cheesecakes to taste fishy

Next up is this Muffaleta Cheesecake from Taste of Home which seems to just be cream cheese with every fucking kind of olive sprinkled on top

MMM, briny

Then we have this truly breathtaking bacon cheddar thing courtesy of Yummly

The person who created this recipe seems to go by username “Fat Girl trapped in Skinny Body” but we don’t have time to unpack ALL OF THAT

https://www.yummly.com/recipe/SAVORY-Cheesecake-2613558

And last but certainly not least, we have something called “Savoury Tickler Cheesecake” from the BBC, which features a delectable crust made from OATCAKE. 🙂

The unpeeled onions on top are what makes it

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1566641/savoury-tickler-cheesecake

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little foray into the culinary art of savory cheesecakes. I had to look at it, and now you did too.

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